Hats Rule

The commute today was a rough one. A solid wind in the face and mucho frio temps tore through my balaclava like a mad banshee. I typically pair the balaclava with a Craft windfront hat and usually I'm all good. I think ol' Ma Nature laughed at the de-rigeur today because I felt that same feeling of numbness I did when I nearly froze my ears off.

Being young and quite foolish, I was snowboarding without a hat one cold winter night on a shitty little hill in Lisle, Illinois when TQ noticed my ears had turned blue. I put my hands to my ears and felt that they had nearly frozen solid. Maybe could have broke them in half if I bent them. I was horrified.

I figured my ears were gone. As I ran back to JT's car, cupping my hands to the frozen bagels on the side of my head, all I could think about was that guy from Reservoir Dogs and the big damn hole he had in his head when his ear was cut off by Mr. Blonde.

I cursed myself for the eternity I seemed to be waiting for JT to get to the car. I cursed my stupidity. I cursed the cold. And I cursed that shitty little hill. All I could do was gaze at my reflection in the window and see images flash by with me and those two holes in my head where my ears used to be with surrounded by friends, family, girlfriends, and crushes all reacting in a chorus of hysterical revulsion. A vagabond life on the streets scrounging for crusts of bread and nipping drink from a brown paper bag was to be my fate. I really started to miss those ears of mine.

When I finally got home, I realized my predicament wasn't quite as bad as my initial prognosis. Nothing was amputated, and I've yet to transform into a shiftless wanderer. But, they did swell up like two giant cauliflowers for a day and then peeled like an over-ripe onion when they finally burst. I covered up the whole embarrassing mess with the earflaps of my Santini wool cap for the duration.

I have a lot of hats now and wear them often. Tomorrow, it's two balaclavas and a Craft windfront hat. The ski goggles might come along too.