Wednesday, June 6, 2007
'Cuz That's How I Roll
After many years of riding I've developed a mental list of the do's and don'ts of cycling etiquette, style, and maintenance. Many people I know eschew some rules and take others to heart. Some ignore every damn one of them. Still others flat out think I'm being an elitist dick. That's cool. It's my list anyway.
-Acknowledge other riders as you roll with a wave or "Hello". Commraderie is cool and fun.
-Support your local bike shop.
-Wash your shorts and jersey after every ride. Riding behind you when you've got three days worth of armpit goo and chamois mushrooms is akin to sticking my head in a bloated opossum corpse.
-Check the cleats on your shoes regularly and replace when necessary. You like your teeth don't you? So do I.
-Rock the PRO kit. Fat or thin, short or tall, everyone looks better in the PRO kit.
-Let me warm up a bit before you put it in the 53x15 and choke the shit out of your bars to set tempo. I know you're strong, but I'm getting old. I need at least 10-15 miles to even remotely clear the cobwebs from my lungs and legs.
-Drink from the well of suffering often.
-Make sure we're out of the way when you blow snot. Mind the wind as well.
-Keep your bike clean and lubed. Respect the ride and it will respect you.
-Clean your waterbottles frequently. Especially if you're fond of the energy concoctions. They have a bad habit of molding up bottles in a hurry.
-Carry more than one spare tube in addition to 3 tire levers, pump, tool kit, and a couple bucks just in case (the greenback also makes a great tire boot that'll get you home when you're in a jam)
-Honor your word. If you tell your wife/husband you'll be home by noon, by God, it had better be by noon.
-Challenge motorists. You will lose.
-Ride like a dick. You will soon ride alone.
-Tell someone their new bike sucks. We don't need to discourage riders because of arrogant drivel.
-Put so much shit on your handlebars that it resembles the mixing table used for the next American Idol's over produced, piece of crap album.
-Ask me where my helmet is. If it's not on my head, it's pretty fucking obvious it's at home.
-Tell me to get off the road. I pay taxes for these suck ass streets too. Ya bastards.
-Throw your energy gel wrappers on the ground when you're done choking down the goo. Put them in your pocket like a responsible member of society, not a low funtioning dipshit.
-Keep new riders in the dark about how your group ride functions. If your group is fast and doesn't wait for the weak, let the rider know this before you commence smoking him.
-Get all hot and bothered because someone on the group ride almost caused you to crash or doesn't know how an echelon works. Be cool, not a chump.
-Ignore waves and "Hello's" from other riders. The world has enough smug assholes driving cars, we don't need them on bicycles too.